CYOA Page 111
Sep. 13th, 2013 12:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lumy12Whether Joel truly wants to speak to you or not, you don't want to give him the choice. He did it to you -- he does it to you all the time! -- and you want him to know what that feels like.
He could wake you up, of course, but you know he won't. Not to talk. That's something you've done, on occasion... if you just have to tell him something or talk through whatever's bugging you and absolutely can't wait for morning. But Joel generally has way more patience than you do.
You don't go so far as to fake a snore (because you're not sure you can do it convincingly, and you don't want Joel to know you're faking... or do you? -No, you don't), but you deepen your breathing and make it a little more audible than it normally is. You make sure your face is completely slack, even though he probably won't shine his light directly on it... and no, he doesn't. You can sense him there in the doorway now; he knows you're in this room. He stands there longer than necessary. Maybe a full minute? Then he very gently tugs your door closed behind him, and you hear receding footsteps.
You feel a pang of regret, but you let it go. Things will probably go back to normal tomorrow.
It takes you a while to fall asleep, but once you do, you sleep pretty well. Better than you thought you would. The sun is already up, and the day looks bright and clear. You find that you're not nearly as annoyed with Joel this morning as you were last night. If he acts like nothing happened, you'll forgive him in your head, and that will be that.
You pass by Zack's door on the way downstairs, and you can hear he's still in the room, asleep. You wonder how late he stayed up reading. Good -- maybe I can have some nice alone time with Joel now...
You find a plate of bread in the kitchen, each slice smeared with... yes, that's strawberry jam -- your favorite. Through the window, you can see Joel sitting on the back porch. Just sitting. ...Is he like, enjoying the morning air? Or brooding some more? The back of his head gives you no clues.
You eat half a slice of bread before venturing outside, nibbling the other half... looking casual, you hope. Everything's perfectly normal. "Hey," you greet him.
"Mornin'," he answers... normally enough, it seems, although his gaze doesn't linger on you, and he doesn't make eye contact.
You sink into a nearby patio chair that's... sort of next to him, but not close enough that you can reach out and touch him. You wonder if he sat in the chair farther away from the door so you wouldn't have to walk past him when you came out... like, he doesn't want you near him? Then you wonder if Joel's brain even works like that... and decide it probably doesn't. You're glad that you have some breakfast to nibble on because you find that you don't know what to say to him. If he's not going to apologize for last night, you don't feel like you should be the one to bring it up. If you're both just going to act normal, then... you would probably be the one chattering about one thing or another right now, and you're not.
He stands up -- and now he has to walk by you to leave, unless he wants to hop the porch railing, which would be silly. "I'll go get the horses ready," he mumbles.
You reach out and grab his hand when he's in front of you. "Wait," you say... but for what? "Um... how did you sleep?" ...Lame much, Ellie?!
"Fine," he says, pulling his hand away just forcefully enough that you feel like he's trying to send a message with the action.
"Zack's still sleeping, you know." In case that's why he rebuffed you...
"He could wake up any minute." And he leaves, without so much as a glance at you.
...Yeah, you didn't really think that was it. You suspect he's just using Zack as an excuse to not hang out with you. You weren't jumping him, for fuck's sake... you were just trying to stop him from leaving. To sit there and have a normal conversation.
He didn't ask you how you slept. Isn't that the least he could've done, if he was going to pretend everything's normal? So maybe everything's not normal, and he doesn't want to pretend, nor does he want to discuss it with you. You ponder this shit while you finish your bread, then decide you need to go make him talk to you. Now that you're not angry, it's time to clear the air.
You find him saddling your horse. "Joel..." You wait for him to acknowledge you, but he doesn't. "Joel, can we talk?"
"Shoot," he says, but he's still dicking around with the saddle instead of looking at you.
"No, I mean like... talk. Can you stop that for a sec?"
He obliges, turning to look at you... his face is impassive. That's the face he presents to the world, not to you.
"Are we okay?" you ask, hating how pathetic your voice sounds.
"We're fine," he answers. Quickly enough, you suppose, but... not convincingly.
"Well, it doesn't feel like we're fine." ...Can't you just TRY to reassure me a little bit?
"Now ain't the time. We'll talk about it at home, all right?"
What?! Things might be more dire than you thought! "Talk about what at home? That's days from now."
"It'll keep." He turns back to the fucking horse.
"That's... not cool. I'm supposed to wonder what you're thinking the rest of the trip?" He doesn't say anything, so you add, "Are you mad at me?"
"No."
"Then what is it? Joel, look at me!" You grab his arm and turn him around to face you again.
"It's nothin' we need to get into right now."
"Yes we do! It's like torture if you don't talk to me for days. We can go somewhere Zack can't see if he looks out the window... come on..."
"It ain't just Zack," he protests, although he does allow you to lead him around the side of the house. "We should be focused on what's goin' on around us. Gettin' there, gettin' back safely. That's it."
"I can't do that if I'm distracted by worrying about you," you point out.
He frowns... and you think he's suppressing a sigh. "Then... don't worry about me."
"Worrying about... this. Us." You're safely out of view of any of the house windows, and you know Joel would hear Zack approaching from like a mile away if he came outside. So when you try to kiss him and he still pulls away from you... "You are mad at me," you accuse him.
"No. I'm not. But we don' need to be--"
"Yes we do! Joel, you're scaring me." It's risky, asking him questions you may not want to hear the answers to, but you can't help it -- you need reassurance. "Are you thinking about... leaving me?"
"Leavin'? No."
You don't feel reassured by that. "...but?" You keep trying to close the distance between you, and he keeps moving away, like he doesn't want you touching him. "I know there's a 'but.' Are you gonna make me guess?"
This time, he lets the sigh escape. "I think... maybe we oughta re-think this thing."
...Oh. SHIT. This is bad... You swallow hard. "You... want to break up?"
"No. ...maybe. Ellie, we can figure it out at home. For now, we--"
"No! I need to know why! Is this about last night?" Of course it is! "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, Joel, I didn't--"
"Do you even know what you're apologizin' for?" he interrupts.
"Uh... what? For pissing you off. For making you feel like... like you wanna leave me."
"I don't."
"Yes you do! You just said. And you won't even... hug me, or touch me... or even look at me..."
That makes him look at you, at least. "You don' need to do this. I told you, we can talk about it at--"
"--home, so you can dump me the second we set foot back in Jackson? Why? Can't you tell me that?" you plead, not caring that you must sound completely pathetic. You're desperate! "I told you, I'm sorry. Whatever you want me to do, I'll do it. I love you."
He cups your cheek then, strokes it with his thumb... and a little spark of hope flares inside you. "I know you do," he says.
The spark dies. "But you don't love me," you finish for him. "Not anymore."
"Of course I do."
The spark is reborn! "You do? Then... it's okay. It's okay! Everything's -- just tell me what you need."
He smiles a little. "Love ain't always enough. You're... still a child. I forget that sometimes."
Ugh, THIS again? "No I'm not!" This time he doesn't pull away when you kiss him, so you take the opportunity to wrap your arms around him and hold him as close as you can. I'm not letting you go, Joel. You CAN'T leave me. I won't let you.
Joel leans his forehead against yours and sighs again. "I'll always love you. Don't worry about that."
"That doesn't do me any good if you're not with me."
"I will be with you."
"I mean with me-with me. Like this."
He tucks your head against his shoulder and squeezes you. "It may not be what's best, though."
"For who? Me? I know what's best for me." This, right here. Being in Joel's arms is what's best for you.
"For either of us."
"You mean... for you?" You pull back enough to look at him. "Why do you say that? If you're not happy... just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it. Okay?"
"It ain't that simple. If I'm too old for you, an' you're too young for me..."
"No. You're not too old for me. If you feel like I'm too young, then... tell me what you need from me that I'm not doing. Whatever's making you think I'm too young. I'll fix it."
He chuckles mirthlessly. "You can't just... magically add years to your age to bring you up to somethin'... more appropriate."
"Maybe not, but... you still haven't told me what I did wrong, or... what is it that makes you say I'm too young?"
"It's nothin' you did. It's the way we... I don' know... deal with things? We don't... communicate enough."
You blink. "What are you talking about? We're communicating right now, aren't we? And how is it my fault if you decide you're done talking and just wanna go be alone?"
"...Fair enough. I ain't explainin' it that good..."
And he's trying to pull away now, probably to end this conversation, but you're not letting him. "I don't want to fight with you. I'm sorry for everything, okay? For my behavior... for arguing... for not following you last night, if that's what you wanted me to do?"
"You didn't do anythin' wrong. This ain't about last night."
"Of course it is! What else would it be about?"
"It's... cumulative. It's everythin' leadin' up to this point. I had a lot of time to think about it, an' I think it's best if we--"
You cut him off with another kiss. A kiss to shut him up before he finishes that awful-sounding sentence... a kiss that will show him you share something that runs deeper than words -- words that come out wrong or lead to misunderstandings. I fucked up -- I gave him too much time to think. I know a little bit of time is good for him sometimes, but not all night -- and then when maybe we could've talked through it before bed, I ignored him, so he just went and thought about it some more, and like... decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with a CHILD or something. "Just give me another chance," you murmur. "Please? I'll do better next time, I swear."
"I don't want you to 'do better.' I want you to... be you. You're good at that."
You roll your eyes. "Great. I'm good at being myself." You kiss him softly, bringing one hand up to his face to caress his cheek (you know he likes that; he always leans into your touch). "Then what's making you unhappy with me? You're happy right now, aren't you?" You know he is. You can feel it. He doesn't answer, but you don't need him to. "I'm happy, too. We're good together. Way better together than we are apart. Don't you think?"
A hint of a smile. "I think you're pretty damn good at gettin' your way."
He says it flippantly, but it irks you a little. "Is that what you think I'm doing? Just trying to get my way?"
"Yes. Of course it is. Tryin' to change my mind."
Well, yeah... cuz you're wrong...? "I'm trying to make you see things the way I do, because you're not making any sense."
"Ellie? ...Joel? Are you out here?"
The kid's voice makes Joel finally extract himself from your arms -- though you still don't let him go easily. "We'll talk about it later," he says quietly.
"Promise me you're not breaking up with me in your head right now," you whisper hurriedly.
He kisses your forehead. "I'm not, I swear. I love you." And he leaves.
I should've made him promise he won't break up with me when we get home, either, you lament to yourself. You think he would've said anything to end the conversation before Zack could wander over here and possibly find you looking too cozy -- or to end the conversation, period, really! -- but a promise is still a promise...
You do feel better about things. As long as you can hold him and kiss him, make him remember how good it feels to be together... you feel like you can talk him out of whatever bullshit he gets in his head that makes him think otherwise.
And regardless of what he said about you not doing anything wrong, you can try harder to bite your tongue and not get into stupid arguments in the first place, can't you?
If you'd like to start another adventure, return to page 1.
Carlos
Date: 2021-01-18 06:11 am (UTC)RE: Carlos
Date: 2021-01-18 01:39 pm (UTC)